The Darkness

Recently, something happened to me that, I suppose, served as a reminder of who I am.

University was supposed to be it for me; my shot, my fresh start, my clean slate. It was supposed to be an opportunity for me to finally become the person I always wanted to be, the person I’ve tried so hard to be. See, I am acutely aware of my flaws [I really don’t need anyone pointing them out to me], but the difference is; I try. I am trying, and I have been for years. Reformation is a process; I know that better than you may think. Yes, it’s taken me years to get where I am. [And for some reason I just said that out loud, to myself, in an unmistakably British accent. I think Nu will be happy about that, am I not right? J]

After the aforementioned incident, I found my thoughts spiraling into a decidedly darker place. I realized that, perhaps, I’d changed too much. Too soon, at least. This dark place though… it was oddly familiar, it tasted of home. It had been nearly 6 months, and I’d finally come back home.

I know what you’re thinking. Believe me I do; I thought the same thing as I wrote that line: The dark is not a good place to be. Never go back there. But maybe you don’t understand. Maybe you’re lucky enough to not know what it’s like. So I’ll tell you. It is a source of great, untapped power. The reason it’s so damned hard to get it out is the sheer addictiveness of that power. I’m freaking Superman! Hell yeah, I could take the world if I wanted to. So, come at me bro! It’s never that easy though, is it? Power corrupts even the purest of hearts.

But I… I stayed there. It took me days to claw my way out again. My chest felt heavy with pain, with the grief over the part of me I had lost. How much anger can one person hold, before it starts eating at your soul? How many people have to try and ruin you, before it actually works?

People suck. No doubt. And no offense intended; you all know at least one person that makes that statement valid. I just have the poor luck of knowing many. Then again, maybe you do too. Maybe you know exactly what I’m talking about. Maybe you’re the one person that understands. And that’s why I wrote this. I needed to get it out, and if I can help someone else then so much the better.

I see now that I was going about it all the wrong way. I wanted to be better, so I made myself better. I covered up the hole, vaulted the room, bolted the door, did everything I could to hide the darkness. And then I buried it. Deep, deep down. Where, I thought, no one- not even I- could find it. I was wrong. It always comes back to haunt you. You can’t escape who you are.

“The only way out is through.” – Bobby Singer, Supernatural S7E10

2 July 2013