That awkward moment

That awkward moment. That phrase has been somewhat bastardized in recent months. It doesn’t mean what it once used to. Awkward, uncomfortable, difficult...

That awkward moment when you walk into a room full of people who just received bad news, and you were totally oblivious to it because you had your earphones in.

The reasons don’t matter. The situation doesn’t matter. All that matters in that moment is you and your obliviousness, and how awful you feel about it.

The difference is that the moment I walked in I stopped dead in my tracks. I immediately realized that something was not only amiss, but that something was wrong, that there was a negative undercurrent permeating the room. I looked at each person. Their faces were expressionless, and yet their eyes and body language spoke volumes.

And in the 3 seconds it took me to realize this, I still failed to understand what had happened. Until my beloved brother found a reason to walk by me. He whispered two words as he passed, and everything made sense. I dropped into a chair nearby. The sinking feeling felt could only be elicited by one thing.

The similarity of the situation struck me with almost alarming clarity. That table cloth, covering that table, filled with food... That time of day... The very same drink in my glass... A would-be happy occasion turned somber by the news of what had transpired...

As I swirled my drink around in my glass, I came to the same realization I did before. We live and we die. Life is helluva short. There just isn’t time to be an ‘Assbutt’ [Thank you, Castiel =)] about things, about anything. Because one day you'll blink and find that it's all over.

3 August 2013

The Adrenal Response

Stephen Amell as Declan Connors
My edit =)

Adrenalin; the fight-or-flight hormone.

It can be very useful, or, well, it is very useful during times of emergency or fear. It even kicks in when you’re stressed.

Clinically; your heart rate becomes elevated, your breathing quickens, and your body metabolizes whatever carbohydrates you have. And all that to get enough oxygen and energy to your skeletal muscles. The effects last for about an hour after initial secretion from your adrenal glands.

What I fail to understand though, is why one's body chooses to release adrenalin when in the presence of a particular person or people. Yeah, people may illicit such a response from one. I would know; it happened to me just yesterday.

I have to say a very special thank you to Moham(m)ed Essop/Bray, for literally introducing me to the man of my imagination. =)

I say imagination and not dreams for a very particular reason. Truly, I imagined him, I created him, he's mine. My Declan Connors, the protagonist in my novel, Erased.

Had it not been for Moham(m)ed, I probably never would have worked up the balls to talk to him.

The first time I laid eyes on Ben was quite something else. My heart stopped beating, and then went racing a mile a minute. Yeah, the damn thing just does what it bloody well pleases. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move. All coherent thought flew out the window.

You're not supposed to be alive. You shouldn’t be breathing, or have a heart pumping warm blood through your body. You're not supposed to exist. You're not supposed to exist anywhere outside my mind! But Declan Connors walked straight out of my head and into that lecture hall.

So when we were finally introduced, and I finally had the opportunity to tell him, that damned adrenal response kicked in. And because we did nothing but talk [I swear], the adrenalin had to go somewhere, do something. Hence, my hands were shaking something fierce as we spoke. And, as I mentioned before, I felt the effects for over an hour after that.

I told him. I told him about Declan, about how he looks just like him, about how he is just like him. Honestly, his response to that blew my mind. I don’t think I'll ever forget it. With the most adorable, Declan-esque [Thank you, Nuha Lalla, for creating the word. =)] smile, he said "You wrote me into life."

3 August 2013

I want it that way

The Backstreet Boys.

One of my all-time favorite bands. And yes, I freely admit it. [I’m a nineties kid, ‘kay?] J

Confession of obsession aside [I just thought was pretty cute, even though I’m not really obsessed- I swear, I’m not!], The Boys do have a song for nearly every occasion.

I only bring it up because there are quite a few that could be used to perfectly describe my current situation. And I figured well hell; writing about it may be the only way to work through it. Truly, it’s insane. Like, certifiably so.

A couple of blogs ago [Part VII- The Darkness], I wrote about how Uni was supposed to be my clean slate all that, but I never banked on this happening. Often I sit in lectures biting my lip out of sheer… I know not what. Perhaps disbelief? Incredulity? I dare say, adoration? It’s like I have a mental block every time I think on it.

How am I supposed to contend with something like this?

But Backstreet’s Back, all right! J So here, watch this:

I tried to go on like I never knew you. I’m awake when my world is half asleep. Every time you leave I’m inconsolable. That makes you larger than life. And without you all I’m going to be is incomplete. So quit playing games with my heart. Yeah, I should have known from the start; you are my fire, my one desire. Honey, that’s no lie. Now let me show you the shape of my heart.

Couldn’t have made something like that up myself… The words have too much meaning…

What if I told you that that’s the story of my life right now? What if that is how I really feel? What if… such and iffy phrase, don’t you think? [Haha, see what I did there?]

But sometimes the right words elude you. Scratch that, sometimes words elude you all together, be they good or bad. However, in my expert opinion as a medical student, I’d say that allowing any one person to affect you that much can’t be good. And I stand first in line for admonition, believe me. I just don’t see what I can do about it. We can’t stop or prevent the way we react, not easily, anyway. Honestly. I’ve tried. Although, I don’t think I wanted to stop it badly enough… because

You are my fire, my one desire. Believe me when I say, I want it that way.

*Mash-up of: Incomplete, Inconsolable, Quit playing games, I want it that way, Shape of my heart, and I’ll never break your heart.

**P.S. There’s something like a triple pun on the ‘larger than life’ bit. =)

***P.P.S. I’ve always wanted to add a P.P.S. at the end of something I’ve written. =) <3

29 July 2013